Saturday, February 16, 2008


So here is the script -where are the character descriptions you ask? Well when I see this playing in my head -I'm doing dream casting:
Hardcore is played by Tobin Bell (Saw)
Alms is played by Edward Furlong (the crow movie, not T2)
Goatboy is played by Matthew Lillard (Scream)
Freeland is played by Michael Clarke Duncan (Sin City)
Butcher depends -what was the name of that girl that got the D.U.I. after being fired from Lost?

High Concept:
The Pigs of the Industry hired mercenaries who do the dirty work of a grateful nation. There in a world much like our own, except the monsters of myth are real. The city of Baghdad is ground zero after the mission is accomplished. Iraq doesn’t exist this is in the land called Babylon.
The Pigs of the Industry hired mercenaries who fight in wars so you don’t have to. The best equipment, best training, and a non-disclosure dependent death benefit that means you never see there widows crying on the news. Not to mention stronger, tougher, bodies through chemistry. Hardcore, Freeland, Butcher, Goatboy, and Alms, five of the best, or worst depending on which side of there guns your own. The war to liberate Babylon was accomplished in under a month. Soldiers had flowers thrown at there feet in the city of Baghdad. What happens after the last battle to stop a great evil and save the world? You fight another battle, and another. The final showdown between good and evil is only a fantasy. When stories come out of strange happenings, and unknown …things -It’s time to send in the people who get paid for that sort of thing. This team of Pigs have already had a very bad day, and it’s about to get worse. War is hell, welcome to Babylon.

Page 1 full page shot.
We see five faces looking down. Bottom of panel left to right we have Butcher (who should look like she‘s had the hell beaten out of her. Cuts on her face maybe a band-aid on her nose.), Hardcore, and Goatboy. Top of panel (upside down left to right we have Freeland and Alms (give him a gauze style patch/head wrap over one of his eyes.) It’s a man on the ground point of view looking up at these 5 faces.

Do you want to know how it’s all going to end?
Link balloon:
Were going to put your world to the torch, piss in the ashes, salt the earth, and move on.

Page 2 (5 panels)

Panel 1 From the point of view of the Pigs looking down. We see a grungy dressed native with his wild hair hanging down over his forehead almost in his eyes. Remember that for later it’s important. He is a suspected insurgent looking up at his Pig interrogators, he‘s setting down on the floor hands cuffed in front of him. What you can see of the room he’s in is rundown but you can tell before the looting it used to be something. Think a room in a former presidential palace that got torn to hell, but repaired to functionality, its looks will never be the same. He is crying, and looks scared out of his mind.

You have the wrong man, I swear I know nothing. Please let me go, I don’t know where this women is--

Panel 2 A medium (long?) shot of the whole scene. You see the rundown room with the terrorist on the floor. Hardcore is standing in front of him. Wearing a “Burn this Flag” t-shirt (you see the words BURN THIS FLAG above the American flag; with the implication being you mess with the flag he will kill you.) Hardcore has a pistol in a holster on his side. Freeland and Alms are standing behind the terrorist. Standing behind Hardcore are Butcher, and Goat boy a little closer to the door. Butcher is wearing a regular shirt, but carries an M-16. Goatboy has own a ‘wife-beater’ shirt, a pistol in a holster on his side. Alms also carries an M-16 and is wearing his security firm/ military gear. Freeland doesn’t have a weapon, but he is wearing his security firm gear as well.

Her name is Sarah. She came back to Babylon with her father, to fight for democracy. When the daughter of a V.I.P. goes missing in Baghdad someone is going to come looking for her.

Insurgent: whisper
God is great… God is great… God is great…

Panel 3 close up Goatboy talking shit to Butcher.

Hey Butcher how’d ‘ya like to earn two dollars -the hard way?

How’d you like me to turn that purty mouth of yours wrong side out?

Panel 4 Close shot of Alms talking to Freeland.

Alms, maybe Butcher and Goatboy should go for a walk, and you should go with them.

Think I’ll do any good?

Everyone needs a conscience.

Panel 5 medium/close shot? Butcher hits Goatboy in the mouth with the butt of her gun, cutting him off from hitting her with a nasty slur.

‘Ya dumb--
Page 3 (6 panels)

Page 3 Panel 1 Goatboy lying on the ground, trying to push himself up, and having no luck.

Stupid bitch! You ain’t getting-away-with-that!

Hardcore: off panel

Panel 2 See Hardcore holding his hand up in a stop gesture, looking pissed all to hell and back.

Butcher, Goatboy take a walk and try not to kill each other. Go with them Alms.
Freeland you can stay here, and keep me from getting carried away.

Panel 3 You see Freeland leaning down hands on the insurgent’s shoulders, looking menacing as hell. The insurgent is looking up at him.

Hardcore: off panel
Do I have to S-P-E-L-L it at you? Where’s girl?

How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t know.

Hardcore: off panel
I give up. Freeland why don’t you try asking him nicely?

Panel 4 Alms is standing in front of a bathroom door knocking on it, M-16 still in hand, talking to Goatboy on the other side. They probably spay painted on some U.S. sign saying bathroom, or more likely The Shiter. The hall Alms is standing in has that looted palace look, just like everywhere else.


Goatboy you okay in there?

Yeah, you know what gets me the most about this hellhole? My daddy used to have a ‘75 Fury ex-cop car. Fast as hell, got it for a steal, but he didn’t know the bullet holes in it had been patched, and blood was soaked down into the carpet.

Panel 5 Goatboy is setting on the toilette, with his pants around his ankles, what kind of shot you want to make this, neck down, waste down, up to you. But if you can see his hands one of them is on the flush lever.

Summer rains it’d get humid as hell and that blood would start stinking. It smelled bad enough to gag a maggot. That’s what this whole goddamn country smells like.


Panel 6 upper body shot. Goatboy is half turned on the stool, looking at the wall. There’s a knife stuck in the wall, and you can see where someone has been carving words into the paint/plaster. You can make out what it says, it’s- “VOTE IT’S ONLY YOUR LIFE” and under that on either side of each other you have “JOHN KERRY” beside his name you have “GEORGE BUSH” under neath both names you have marks where people have been voting. You know 4 straight lines then a line through it, for a total of 5. The vote between Kerry and Bush as it stands right now is even 5-to-5. Goatboy is going to be the decider.

Alms, Alms you still there? Hmmmm. What do we have here?

Page 4 (6 panels)

Panel 1 See Alms still holding his M-16, standing beside Butcher. She’s setting on the ground smoking a cigarette (you can see where’s she’s put one or two cigs out on the carpet, I plan on using this as a visual/subliminal way to show a passage of time during there conversation, eventually the cigs are going to end up put out on the floor in a smiley face pattern. One butt each for the eyes maybe 3 or 4 for the smile.) Butcher’s M-16 is in her lap. Her heads down not even looking at Alms the whole conversation.

We’ve all had one hell of a day, are you okay?

I use to hope that as long as I don’t do x, y, or z, then it couldn’t happen to me, but I never believed it. Why the hell are we here again?

Panel 2 Now Alms is setting on the ground next to Butcher. She’s still setting there smoking only now she not only has both of the smilely’s eyes on the floor, but is close to being done with the mouth.

It’s not just for a paycheck, they don’t even pay us enough. I really believe in liberating these people. Fighting for freedom and all that.

Panel 3 Butcher puts out her cigarette, finishing the nice smiley face on the floor.

Even Jesus couldn’t save the people that didn’t want to be saved.

Panel 4 This is an exact replay of screen 3 panel 3 except the insurgent’s face looks like its been run through a meat grinder his hair is still over his forehead. There’s blood all over Freeland’s arms, fists, and chest, cause in-between panels he beat the hell out of the terrorist.

The Taj Mahal was a monument to love, loss, and the mark it leaves on this world. What I do in this war is my Taj Mahal.

Insurgent: weak
God is great… God is great…

Panel 5 You see a close up of the terrorist face, Freeland has moved his hair back off his forehead, so you can now see a third eye same color as his other two. Yes he’s really a bad guy.

Hardcore: off panel
I don’t need to feel morally superior to you. I’m a goddamn American, I know I’m better than you.

You’re all dead. What else can you do to me?

Panel 6 the insurgent/terrorist point of view looking up at Hardcore pointing a gun in his face. Hardcore doesn’t have a drop of blood on him -yet. Don’t forget Hardcore’s “Burn This Flag” T-shirt.

I’m not a hero. I’m a killer. Cold blooded, ice water in my veins, killer.

Page 5 (5 panels)

Panel 1 Close up shot of the wall where Goatboy could vote for either Kerry or Bush. All the vote marks in the wall are the same, but the knife is no longer sticking in the wall.

Goatboy: off panel

Who do I hate worse?

Panel 2 You see Goatboy stab the knife violently into the wall, but you don’t see who he voted for.


Take that you son of a bitch!

Panel 3 Close-up see the biggest shit eating grin you can draw on Goatboy’s face.

Panel 4 See the wall next to the toilette blown up flames come pouring through, engulfing Goatboy.


Panel 5 See a hole in the wall, maybe see Goatboy’s body on the floor still burning. A small group (3,4,5?) of insurgents (you can see there third eyes) have came through the hole made by the explosion, of course there armed -AK-47’s .

Page 6 (5 panels)

Panel 1 you see a group of insurgents in a shoot out in the hallway with Butcher, and Alms. Butcher is shot on the ground (but not dead), Alms is returning fire.

Panel 2 See invading insurgents bust down door where Hardcore, Freeland, and Insurgent are. You can show just the insurgents, or show Freeland standing to side of Hardcore, but still behind terrorist, do the layout of the panel however you think is more dramatic.

Panel 3 See Freeland get shot in the face and throat.

Panel 4 Freeland is down on his knees a bloody mess, trying to cough the bullet up, but only coughing up blood. Panel should be as realistic as you want it, and Zuda will take it.


Panel 5 Hardcore is turned towards the enemy, but the insurgent on the floor has broken free (this would be a good place for a motion blur) and grabbed Hardcore’s arm that is holding the gun.


Page 7 Full page shot and gory as hell (as you think you can do on Zuda)
Hardcore has turned and punched a karate fist through the stomach of the Insurgent. Hardcore gutted him, blood guts; whatever else you want to draw goes everywhere.


page 8 5 Panels

Panel 1 The terrorists who invade the Pigs compound are looking at there brother and Hardcore. Hardcore has moved behind the insurgent (using him as a human shield) he’s holding him around his throat, or around his chest, the insurgents stomach is still a bloody mess of course. His other hand is pointing his gun at the invaders.

Panel 2 From the Terrorists point of view Hardcore is still holding on to the insurgent, and pointing his gun right at the terrorists (readers).

Insurgent: erratic: weak and strong
My brothers will drive you out, while I look on from paradise.

Hardcore: whisper
Only way you’re getting into paradise, is if that’s what you’re calling hell these days.

Panel 3 See terrorists firing away, and the bullets going through the Insurgent and Hardcore.

Panel 4 I saw this as a weird angle in my head. Just saying in advance. Extreme close up of the top half of terrorists face (you see his eyes etc; but not his mouth) and the lower half of Hardcore’s face his (teeth etc; but not his eyes). Hardcore is whispering in his ear.

Hardcore: whisper
How great is your god now?


  1. Hey RKB! Well done! I like the cinematic quality of the writing and all of your characters are pretty well defined. Great names. A good friend of mine back home and I always had an ongoing joke about a character we created called Goat-Boi 2000. Let me know if you are having trouble finding a suitable artist. My hands are pretty full with the Teachers for now, but I have some friends that could probably knock this out of the park with you. The only thing I would say is that you may want to tone down the violence a bit for Zuda. They are pretty firm about keeping it an all ages site, so you may run into trouble with some of your images...But keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing it on Zuda.
    I also wanted to let you know I just posted the Teachers in DC Heroes regalia. Thanks for the idea, and let me know what you think! Cheers-G

  2. Saw this in your profile. Keep it up

  3. Hi, RKB. An interesting concept, mostly well executed. There are some basic word errors, though (like "women" instead of "woman" for instance). If you'd like me to do a more thorough edit of that mechanical stuff, can you send me a copy of the script as a word file.

    Btw, I think you sent me an email, but I accidentally deleted it instead of opening it. Anyway, feel free to resend if you like and I'll be more careful next time. :)

  4. Really interesting!!! I like it!


  5. I think your on to something here, and you'd probably get a vote from me. If you'd like to give your opinion on Zuda, Webcomics, and comic books in general why not go here:

  6. RKB, very engaging and well written. I think this accomplishes exactly the right amount of story for the eight screens Zuda gives you. I love the idea you have for this group of characters. I have to agree with gabe about the violence, but maybe it's just a bit too rough for me personally. Also agree with the cinematic quality comment. I hope you get an artist for this! A clean, traditional style sort of like David Lloyd, or even a fun style like Mike Allred would provide a nice balance to the grit of the script. Best of luck--I think a lot of people would like to see you on Zuda!

  7. You wondered if people read profile information.

  8. I enjoyed the read, but I've gotta say the typos are annoying as hell. As a writer you're going to be judged by your words, and mistakes like 'there' instead of 'their' or 'they're' are really elementary stuff that will stop you from being taken seriously. There are too many examples of language misses to point out individually, but I'd really advise you to make the effort to fix them all if you're serious about writing, even as a hobby.
    Aside from that it's an interesting read, as an artist I'd be interested in collaborating if I wasn't busy with my own project for Zuda. The violence could be too much for Zuda but you could easily convey the same effect without the gore IMO so you wouldn't have to change the story as such.

    Be wary of being too direct with your dialogue. Lines like "I don’t need to feel morally superior to you. I’m a goddamn American, I know I’m better than you." are powerful and challenging but you risk people being polarised by it immediately and dismissing your story without really giving it the consideration it deserves.
    Maybe you could work out a storyboard for it yourself and see how it looks, it'd give you an idea of panel layout, pacing and font size, even if you hate your own art. Good luck!